...How She Rises...

It all starts with questions:

Who am I now?

Who was I then?

How do we feel about us?

And, when there is

Too much silence

That it slips like

A silken noose,

Resting snugly

Against my chin –

Stopping short

My breath

My songbird sound –

Then, the answers

Must be found

Within.

__________________________________________________

>>>A Three-fold Path

There is past, present, and future. How else could it be otherwise? And, how am I to reconcile all of these versions of my selves? How to find the harmony that will allow us to live together as One?

First, the Guides must be sought and acknowledged. Those who will unlock the secrets, teach the way, and support with their strength. Bear uses healing wisdom to embrace silence and dream, dream, dream. Lion gives the courage to test one’s powers, and emerge as a leader. Owl provides the ability to see magic, to know truth, and to embrace the darkness within. 

I.                   Bear: it has only been about 5 years that I have consciously acknowledged and embraced the Bear, but she has been with me since at least Elementary school. I now realize why she came to me so young: she helped me learn how to retreat into my heart-cave and provide my self with warmth, and a beautiful soul-garden of safety.  

As a young girl, Bear taught me that I while I may not be able to get even one other person in the whole rest of the world to support me, love me, accept me, or even acknowledge me, I can create representations of the beautiful things that I see and feel and know. And, that I don’t need “them” to tell me what I already am.  I hang all sorts of artworks on my walls to protect me, to reflect me, and to remind me of this.

But, sometimes my eyes get so clouded, and my mind so dark and filled with other people’s garbage-sauce that I can bearly breathe. I’ve always been such a sponge for life, and hardly the best filter. There are times I went to places so dark that Bear didn’t want to follow. But, when I return, she is always waiting to show me that things can be beautiful again.

My husband first started calling me Bear about 5 years ago, when we had been living together for about 3 years. It had come up other times in my life, from other people, but never did it resonate so much as when he said it with such kindness and warmth. Whenever he calls me, “Bear,” it sounds like a hundred, honey-colored, laughing voices. And, I melt like butter in the fry pan. 

II.                Lion: must have always been with me since birth. I just didn’t want the responsibilities that come with her power, and I don’t like the spotlight. I say I was “born a lion,” and that it is my birthright because I was invested with much power when named: Sarah. Marie. Emert. Things were decided for me in those moments that I’ve no power to resist. To become.  If you know anything about numbers, both 3 and 5 are very powerful and lucky; bearers of good things…gateways. I was born the 1^st child on the 1^st day of the 5^th month, and given 3 names – each containing 5 letters. That’s some pretty potent shit right there.

Towards the end of highschool, Lion decided that she needed to start being heard. She started roaring, roaming, laughing, and living like a righteous babe. Sleek, powerful, beautiful, focused…she hunted the future.

But, it was all too much, too soon. A lonely little girl, a sad, silly creature still lived inside. She was the perversion of our selves. A compilation of their horrible words, those that Bear wasn’t strong enough to filter out. She wouldn’t leave Bear’s cave. She clung to the walls and floor of the cave. The heart. She started screaming for Lion to hear her. Lion tried to run, to forge ahead and show her how things could be, but she shut her ears and would not hear. She shut her eyes and would not see. The truth.  She would not rest, and she would not stop screaming, howling, and sobbing. Lion eventually succumbed to her siren song.

These months, and eventually years that slipped by while the mad woman of the Bear cave held the reigns are the darkest days I and I and I have ever seen. Lion kept us alive, but Bearly. Here is Bear’s account of the whole affair:

 "Pull the Trigger"

A bird in a cage
A cage that I’ve created
Out of my own soft, pale flesh
I sit here and wonder
How many young girls will grow into young women
That will go through their lives
With their vision permanently blurred
Wake and weigh
Pull the trigger
And flush it all away
Curl up in a ball and hold myself so tight
Then rip out my hair and scream
Pacing
No rest for weary eyes and a broken soul tonight
Skin and bones
Ribs poking through
Shaky knees bent toward one another
Poised to dive down the spiral of shame
Swollen throat glands
Popped blood vessels, marring sad brown eyes
Just once more
Too much is never enough
Force a smile to hide the monster
That lurks beneath

Lion slowly regained strength.  She shed the layers of caked on makeup, broke through the fog, and started to re-build the soul-garden in Bear’s heart that the mad-woman had polluted and turned into a rotting bog.

It’s taken Lion years to do this, but in the meantime, with Bear and Owl’s help, she has grown mighty strong. And, she roars freely now.

There are still a few stinky, bog-reminiscent patches in the soul-garden, and sometimes we get stuck in them. But, Lion knows how to groom us well, and return our selves into a proper state of things.   

III.             Owl: came to me consciously and physically at a time when I had almost forgotten how to see Magic. But, now I realize that Owl has been with me since Elementary school, too. Owl nests in my brain. She is sharp, silent, wise, thinking, pondering, examining things from a far. Owl spends much of her time listening. Listening for clues. Cautious to approach, sensing, re-evaluating, blending in when necessary, and asking questions when the conditions are right.  

She is an active creature of the night, which has frequently continued to prove problematic to my school/work/sleep schedules. And, when caged for too long, and not given reign to spread her wings, she has turned on us. There is a darkness to Owl that makes her very dangerous.

She is the one who flew the sad, silly, mad-girl into the Bear cave. She dropped her off and left her to stay in our heart. Owl should have used her talons to tear that paper fucking phantom apart. To obliterate her. But, Owl is so drawn to the darkness. So a part of it. She was charmed, distracted, and somewhat fascinated by the crazed, sobbing girl. Too soon after the mad-woman reigned free and viciously, Owl realized what she had done. The mistake she had made. She forged the plan to help Lion rid the soul-garden of the bog. But, had a limited ability to help Lion because she was again caged in the mind. And this time, she could not even fully spread her magnificent, fierce wings.

She did not wither in the interim. Owl fought for our lives to stay strong and focused, and as Lion gained strength again and started to vanquish the land of the bog, Owl flexed her mighty wings to force open the restrictions of her mind-cage.

I saw an actual wild Owl for the first time just around the time, John started calling me Bear. We were standing in the graveled driveway of our apartment at twilight, talking, plotting, looking at leaves. I was going into my first semester of Grad school and feeling very shaken by the whole experience. We heard a slight, very hushed “whoosh” and looked to the roof. There Owl was perched, silhouetted against the steeply sloped roof line. I couldn’t stop smiling, I was so delighted, and Owl stayed for awhile. We watched silently until it was too dark to see. Owl came to me to remind me of my mental strengths. And, ability to lose my self in the dark. She reminded me that if I build up too much pressure in my mind that this will cage her again. I must trust our strength and learn to fly free. Three months later, Owl led me to some of the best Magic I have ever found, learned, desired to know: Pottery.

Right now, at these moments in my life, I am letting Lion lead us to the Wheel, while Bear’s paws shape the clay, and Owl’s wisdom stretches our idea of what can be.