Day 2: What else ya gonna do?

Here I am again -- letting myself feel defeated before I've even tried to see what I'm capable of. Why do I keep doing that? It certainly isn't the best form of motivation, and I doubt it helps me create the best work/finished product -- when I do actually finish...[procrastinator deluxe edition]
Why do I keep doing that?
What am I doing here?  -- occupying this space at this particular moment in time?
I think part of the reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I still haven't found completely satisfactory answers to the previous question. And, perhaps some of the reasons I do get out of bed in the morning is because I've found some deeply satisfactory answers to the previous question.

Some thoughts to add after last night's post:

* I realized a few other good things that I've been doing lately to be a good animal:

-- Flossing my teeth regularly: I know, I know I should of been doing that since the time I could hold a toothbrush, and complete other mouth-care essentials. But, I was never one of those people that saw the true benefits of flossing until I started doing it regularly. Last time I had a full cleaning by a dental hygienist, they had to "scale" my teeth -- like scrape off what they referred to as, "little plaque jackets that my teeth had been wearing." YUCK. Since that encounter, I have been dutifully flossing my teeth. Taking joy in noticing that my gums and teeth feel cleaner and stronger than they have in a couple of years; and flossing actually brightens my mood. Whatever "funk" I'm feeling in my mouth can spill over into my attitude, but a little floss and mouthwash action literally cleanses my palette and cleans out my mind.

-- Carrying a notebook with me almost everywhere: I started doing this in 2008, and have been rolling deep since that time. This old-fashioned device requires no more techno-savvy than the ability to wield the writing utensil of your choice. And you bet your sweet candy ass I carry pens, pencils, and sharpies. Both pen and paper frequently come in handy on the scene and in my own scene. Whether I've got to scribble down the grocery list, jot down phone numbers, copy reading lists, give out info, get directions, jot down some poetry that keeps rattling around in my brainspace and begins collecting into too many lines at once; it's also a sketchbook, and a research notebook, and a book of dreams...BONUS: it doesn't require you to charge any batteries (other than those powering your own mind/body).

-- Playing the guitar: In 2000, this instrument burned me real bad. My parents got me a cute, honey colored Fender acoustic for my 16th birthday. And, paid for a year's worth of lessons. I desperately wanted to learn how to play, but I was too was easily frustrated, tense/anxious, and generally pretty lazy. Also, I had this pretty pathetic crush on my guitar teacher -- who was uncomfortable with the fact that I clearly spent more time getting dressed up and doing my hair for our lessons than I did actually practicing the instrument. I seemed like my hands never stopped sweating during guitar lessons; making me that much more awkward and tense...which doesn't work out so well with the whole strumming strings rhythmically thing. WELP, about 3 months ago, my husband approached me with the idea of picking it up. He offered to teach me a few things, help me get re-acclimated, but then cut me loose to get comfortable with la guitarra on my own. This has worked fairly well. For close to 5 weeks, I picked up John's Spanish guitar almost every day; and in this full swing of summer it's been about 3x's a week. There are some moments making music that are indescribable. I become merely a conduit, a vessel -- and I am so thankful for this state of being...however fleeting.  

--  Taking photos: This is one of my interests...I guess documenting my life (to make it seem more real??) in general is one of my interests (*see blog currently being read). Recently, my interest has resurfaced while photo-documenting my pottery, and focusing on framed compositions. At some point, I'd like to study this more in depth, with a trained professional, and purchase a really fucking nice digital camera and some tits lenses.

-- Meeting with a Life Coach: This is a most recent development, but I feel it may influence much that the next few months have to offer. As mentioned in my last post, I have so many wonderful people and things going on in my life, and so many more I've yet to encounter, but sometimes I lose sight of it all. Sometimes I forget how to bloom. And I feel lost. I want to find ways to move through those moments with much more grace than I've been able to muster to date. Our initial meeting left me with such feelings of lightness and internal warmth -- I'm looking forward to what future sessions will bring.

I guess I just spent an hour's worth of writing cheerleading for myself...maybe I need to have more regularly dispersed moments like that in my life; instead of bottling them up and somewhat forcefully, haltingly, squeezing them out slowly on a page. For now, anyways, writing makes them seem more real. 

Final thoughts:
-- If you're reading this...I'm not just cheerleading for myself, but you, too!! Deep down -- we need support and we need each other.
-- Need to include more evenly dispersed poetryish type pieces in Read.Think.Mud's future posts