T.E.D.(L.)

T.E.D.(L.)

There is blood family, and there is the family that you choose to forge with others.  My friend Tara is a chosen one. Although we played and spent time together as kids because our moms hung out, we forged a friendship that was the deepest sisterly bond I’ve ever had. With anyone…and that includes my own sister.

Among the many memories I have of her, some highlights include:

 --Teaching me how to fluently read in kindergarten. I was learning at home, too, but we would read and write together at our daycare. We spent hours and hours reading.

-- In that same vein, we played “Post Office” –  hanging out in my room, I remember sitting in different corners, writing each other letters and delivering them.

-- We shared the same obsession with Jonathan Taylor Thomas; hoarding and sharing choice Teen Bop pics of him. I’m sure at various points we were both jealous of each other’s collections. We searched and spent hours AOL messaging a J.T.T. droid – something like the current Smarter Child. We even printed up the conversation because we were so proud.  AOL and we were such younglings then.

-- When Tara and her mom moved to Florida for a couple of years, we wrote each other letters. We kept in touch and stayed a part of each other’s lives.

-- Sleepovers – we had THE BEST FUCKING SLEEPOVERS IN THE WORLD. Replete with drama, too much tv and movies, too much sugary snacks/drinks,  doing our hair in 40 hairstyles, doing our nails, calling people on the phone, trying to sneak out (although this didn’t go over so well), dreaming, talking, teasing, laughing, and sometimes crying. 

-- Even when Tara and her mom lived 30 mins away in middle school and part of high-school, she made sure to make my birthday incredibly special. She made me a big deal.

Things started to change, we changed, grew, and began different paths in the middle of high-school. It was incredibly hard to see us drifting apart – even though we were both clearly headed in good directions. It was still away from each other. And, Tara ended up moving to S.C. during this time; which made our separation much more definitive.

These ended up as dark times for me…and, I closed myself off to her for many years. Too many years. Struggling with my own internal reeling, depression, confusion, and sadness, I turned away from her (and many other good, good people in my life) because I was scared. I was scared of being vulnerable, and of losing. Of disappointing her/them.

There are two things that I regret in profound ways, and they both are about Tara, and the ways that I abandoned her.  In college, when her mother was stricken with a fast growing cancer, and she came back up north to care for her, I was nowhere to be found. I didn’t call her, didn’t stop by, and was basically a huge, worthless turd. I make no excuses for my actions, I was simply selfish and did not want to help share someone else’s pain. I was a horrible friend to someone who had given me so much. Towards the end I reluctantly stopped in for a visit. And, in that evening I saw my still young friend as a capable, caring, and strong as hell woman. Even at that young age, my once shy, funny friend was becoming a force to be reckoned with. A mover and shaker; a doer, living her life inspite of the shit cards she was dealing with…and she was basically doing it by herself.  The other situation involves her wedding. Despite my bailing on her during one of the most trying situations in her life, Tara asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. Initially, I was very excited about this. It felt special, and it felt like a chance to reconnect. To dress up, do our hair, dream, play, and be silly together again. But, when I was offered a chance to finish some of my English M.A. credits in London, with her wedding right in the middle of that trip, I totally fucked up again. I ditched on the wedding…and this only happened 3 years ago…somehow, miraculously, she still talks to me.

Who is this incredible woman that has shaped my life in so many ways, has been such a good friend to me? -- Even when I didn't deserve it. And why the fuck do I keep screwing up and being a selfish bitch? She’s one of the BEST people that ever came into my life, and I’ve hurt her, myself, and our friendship so much. I have come to the conclusion that I have a very hard time maintaining friendships with women because I’m scared of what they’ll expect of me. I don’t want to disappoint them, so when our friendship starts out I’m all over it. Calling, being thoughtful, listening really well, remembering things that are important to them – but then I hit this zone where I start to feel scared. I get panicky and I bail. I bail hard. In my fear of disappointing someone, months (or years) down the road, I fulfill my own prophecy by acting like a total flaky, selfish, asshole.

Tara, if you’re reading this, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And, I am so sorry. I can’t ever tell you how sorry I am. Thank you for being you. You’re such an inspiration and you deserve the wonderful life you’ve worked so hard for – and much, much more.